Identity Thieves of the Old Republic
by Kendoka Girl
Summary: Someone gets ripped off. Hee hee hee.
1. Chapter 1

**Identity Thieves of the Old Republic**

Malak stands on the bridge of the _Leviathan_, surveying the vast Sith fleet as it prepared for its conquests. Dressed in his form-fitting red body armor, he turns, letting his crimson cloak whirl about his powerful body. A scowl covers his gray face.

Malak (In the voice of an adolescent girl, standing in a demure, girly pose) – "Hee hee hee, man, that security slicer card is amazing. All it took is a decent connection to the Sith system, a little fancy footwork, and some Mission magic and whammo, I'm in."

"Nobody's gonna argue when the Dark Lord of the Sith orders a case of stims, two crates of grenades, and a cool cyber implant. Maybe the super swoop bike upgrades were a bit much…and the Mandalorian ceremonial armor…lightsaber crystals…and the nifty pilot jacket for Carth. But, what the hey, it's not my card. Hee hee hee…hee hee…."

Dooo da dooo da dooo da dooo…don't be a victim of identity theft. Get protection from the TarisCiti Card.


	2. Chapter 2

It's a dangerous galaxyout there - Get your TarisCiti Card now.

**Identity Thieves of the Old Republic – Part II**

Now revealed in her darkness, Darth Traya, formerly known as the Jedi, Atris, strides confidently in her dark robes toward the chamber that houses her Sith holocrons. Her face is pasty white, housing golden eyes.

She scowls as the holocrons begin to squawk and chirp in an ancient, forgotten language.

Traya – (in a man's drawl, striking a cocky, gambler's pose against a wall) "She just had to turn her back for a second and I swiped that security card from her. When she turned back, I was all pain and suffering again. So gullible…."

"Once back on the _Hawk_, I was keeping RepEx in business delivering my Aratech Cardio-Regulator, my Scoundrel Gloves, and my Power System Implant. Then, it was time to make points with the laaadies and Mira loved that underarmor mesh bra. Dang, baby. But the winner was when I showed up at the Exile's door with Nomi's robes and a bunch of flowers. Wee hoo! I'm still wiping off the lipstick. It might have cost me a pretty credit, but wait…it didn't cost me a dime! You think Atris will like the crates of Gizka I ordered her? Haha. Pure Pazaak, baby, pure Pazaak."


	3. Chapter 3

**Identity Thieves of the Old Republic – Part III**

_The stakes are up this time._

In orbit around Citadel Station, the ghost ship, _Ravager,_ leads a Sith fleet in trying to bring down the orbital station which is the only hope for the recovery of the planet, Telos. Deep within the ship, on the command deck, Darth Nihilus strides confidently, his skeletal frame shrouded in black robes and his ghastly face covered in a mask of crimson and white.

He senses the approach of his enemies and he turns, pointing a cadaverous hand toward the blast door.

Darth Nihilus – (suddenly squatting down like a puppy, turning his head mechanically and making beeping noises. He pokes his finger into the air.) "Bweeeeuuu, deedle…deet! Dwoot! Beedle bweety buuuuu. Bwaaaa! Beepubeepu deedle deedle. Dwoooooo…."

(Master will be pleased that I…rolled across this security slicer! Wow! It belongs to the Sith lord on this ship. Rock on! All I gotta do is pop my probe in his port and voila, a little poison gas in the barracks, a little overload in the security terminals, and all the blast doors open. Ohhhh, what's this? Some undetonated torpedoes. What's a droid to do….)

"Bwaaat dootoobot dwaaabo, beeedlebee. Dwoot. Bweeeebubweebu bwaaaa!"

(Greetings torpedo warheads, this is Darth Nihilus. Here is my access code. Please begin countdown to detonation! )

Tick tick tick tick…

Darth Nihilus, victim of identity theft.

Protect your identity. TarisCiti Card

BOOM

**And yet more from the warped minds of Alice and Kelli**

Carth and Bastila stand in the deserts of Tatooine as dry winds blow around them. "Bastila, those interest rates are going to kill us. Did you have to take that loan from the Hutt?"

Sand People spring up out of the dusty soil, roaring in their throaty laughter, their gaffi sticks poised to strike. They charge at the two heroes, waving their weapons in rage.

Oblivious to the Tusken Raiders, Bastila reaches into her robes and pulls out a card. "Carth, oh ye of little faith. This is the Enclave Discovery Card…no interest for ninety days. You did like those modifications we made to Davik's armor did you not?"

The Sand People come to a sudden halt just before reaching the pair. Dust kicks up and the Tusken Raiders groan, throwing their gaffi sticks down in frustration.

One Raider stands as the rest slink off. "Not another Enclave Discover Card….What's in your wallet! Uuuuhuuuhuhuhuuuuuuu!

A/N This is mostly from the warped mind of Kelli, who is a dedicated non fictionist.


	4. Mandalorian Malaise

Hey, thanks everyone for the great ideas. This time, poor Canderous gets picked on.

**Identity Thieves of the Old Republic – Part IV**

The Mandalorian Malaise

Mandalorian mercenary, Canderous Ordo sulks, walking slowly across a sound stage wearing an apron and chef's hat over his full armor. "What's a warrior to do? After Revan wiped our bums the clans scattered to the four winds and we had to resort to enforcing high interest loans. We adapted, yes, but with the Enclave Discovery Card, we're all washed up."

He picks up a soup ladle and brandishes it in the air. "Now, the proud Mandalorians have to eke out a living in more…peaceful pursuits. Bralor's done okay, he just transfers his energy.

(Cut to Mandalorian trimming hedges with a flamethrower)

However, some of us just can't adapt. Look at poor Ergeron, trying to be a florist…"

(Cut to Mandalorian putting flowers in the muzzle of a blaster. He accidentally pulls the trigger and fries the flowers and the roof comes crashing down on him)

"Owww, Ergeron, how many times do I have to tell you to engage the safety? Now look at Kelborn, I told him the ballet was not for him, but did he listen?"

(Cut to Mandalorian in full armor with a tutu, falling on a fellow dancer)

"And worst of all, woe is me. Look at this…I host a cooking show now! That darn Enclave Discovery Card put me and the Exchange right out of business."

Lights come on with applause and Canderous clomps out, holding a blaster and a pasta spoon.

BAM! What's in your wallet?


	5. Palantir Network

**W/N - choice of products can make the difference. I'm off to Vegas for a week so have fun. **

A white wizard stands in a dark tower peering into a crystal sphere. The sphere is hazy, full of misty static. "My armies will crush the world of men!"

Another, identical wizard enters, holding up another sphere. He looks grim with a sour frown. "Hi, this is Saruman's Palantir. If Saruman had the Palantir Middle Earth Network instead of the Sauron Dark Network, he might actually get that emergency call…You know…those Ents are coming…run like hell!"

"But no…sadly, Saruman is going to get the surprise of his life."

*deep rumblings and crashing sounds*

Saruman's mouth falls open and orcs fall to the floor. Nearby, the fake wizard shrugs. "Maybe next time he'll listen to Grima."


End file.
